I Am A Worn Out Mama

Last weekend, in my frantic rush to get everything done, I drove distractedly to the high school to prepare to chaperon on the band bus for yet another band trip.  I had just rushed to the store all the while yelling at Heather to hurry, hurry, hurry.  We left the store, and I was driving too fast and was very distracted.  

I was thinking about a million things at once, including how to stretch my finances since I had unexpectedly received almost $200 in medical bills this past week.

I ended up hitting a pothole and getting not one, but two flat tires!

It only added to the stress, and I ended up with a migraine later in the day. Needless to say, I did not make it to the band competition.

It was a wake up call that I was just stretched too thin.  I was constantly rushing and short-tempered with the ones I love the most.

Band is over this weekend, and I had already been wearily anticipating the next season of Amy's winter color guard.  Practice and auditions for that start a week after band ends.  Competitions are almost every weekend January through the first of March.

And I realized I just can't do it all any more.

I had recently turned in Winter Guard paperwork and said I could chaperon on the buses for the competitions.  I just emailed the color guard directors and told them I am not going to be able to chaperon this year after all. 

When Dave and I separated, I was still only working 7-3 at the high school and was able to continue my heavy commitment with band and color guard. Last fall I started my new job and but did not keep up with the same level of involvement due to my health issues and hospital stays.

This year is the first year I have been working full time and trying to maintain the same level of volunteering with the band and with the color guard.  I have been stretched very, very thin, which makes it harder and harder for me to be the mom I want to be.  I am also concerned that if I keep up with the same level of involvement, I will end up with further health issues.  So it was with a heavy heart that I stepped back.

And I was instantly relieved....which gave me peace with the decision....a very good clue that it was a right decision!

And bless Amy's heart...she completely understood.  She lovingly looked at me and said, "Mom, I understand.  Just do what you can."

I think, hope and pray that as I stumble through these crossroads that I am giving my kids a good example of balancing this tightrope walk we call life.

Mandisa - What Scars Are For (Lyric Video)

Tomorrow is my 48th birthday...and though my heart, body and mind are full of scars from all I have been through I know that God has brought me through them all.  Are you breathing today?  That's a gift from God.  Thank Him for it.  Don't take any moment for granted.  Take that advice from someone who has survived cancer, over 14 surgeries, health problems, heart-break and divorce only to come out on the other side stronger, wiser and surprisingly blessed by the unexpected twists and turns of my life.