Hello After A Long Pause

It’s hard to believe I have gone three years without the introspective, prayerful writing that I have always so desperately needed to get my brain to catch up with my life.  I often went to Indiana State Park Inns, nearby Christian retreat centers, or cabins for time away every six months to write and pray, and that, of course, was waylaid by the pandemic.  Somehow I couldn’t muster up the emotional energy to create the same reflective space in my apartment as the walls felt like they were squeezing in on me every day.

I would like to say I navigated it well, but I didn't.  The surreal isolation of working from home and participating in church and Bible study online for weeks and months on end, were, to say the least, depressing and disorienting.  

For a long time my mind could not grasp time anymore, and I still struggle with sequential memory. The year of 2019 was full of family weddings, wedding showers, and other celebrations...and within 3 months into 2020 the world was rocked for us all. It was so hard to wrap my mind around the fact that the year prior we had celebrated Jonathan and Amy's wedding, and then suddenly all of the connections with each other were taken away.

I was sick December 2019 through March 2020 with what I thought was surely COVID, but at that time there was no way to test for it.  I struggled on and finally got well, and then the clinic I worked at sent several administrative employees to work from home.  Overnight, my team and I learned to navigate a new normal.

Gradually, my team and I came back to work at the clinic.  Because we were in a medical setting, and patients and staff were in and out, it was hard to remember that the rest of the world continued and still continues to work from home.

As I look back on the long months of society being shut down I can finally put it into words that I experienced decision fatigue, depression, and fear.  I also struggled to understand the dystopian era of navigating the COVID reality of Kroger closing at 9 p.m., empty store shelves, over-information, and more pandemic response confusion.

There was so much change-management personally and professionally.  Just going to the grocery store alone was a herculean task.  Entry and exit doors were limited.  Only a certain number of people were allowed in at a time.  Hours were scaled back.  Restrooms were not always available, and there was no access to a water fountain. 

 

In the midst of all of that, there was decision fatigue.  How do I turn in-person work into remote work? Do I have my mask?  What do I do if I see a friend…do I hug them or not?  Should I shake hands or knock elbows when meeting someone new? What if I get sick?  What do I buy if a planned purchase was out of stock….because my brain was stretched to its limit with all of the other decisions I had to make to get to the store and couldn’t figure out just one more thing!

Sadly, during the first phases of the pandemic Amy was laid off from her job at the DNR.  Fortunately, Jonathan continued his lab work at the hospital.  Amy eventually was promoted to manager at a local coffee shop, and she blossomed and did a beautiful job in her role as the world opened.  She anxiously waited for wildlife naturalist jobs to become available again.

Heather's classes at Purdue went online shortly after spring break started, and she had only brought home enough insulin to cover her spring break.  Just as everything was shutting down, she drove back to Lafayette to pack up her belongings and get the rest of her insulin.  I was anxious about her traveling during such an isolated time, but we really didn't have much choice.  The same morning that she set out, Stephen and Jenna were in earthquake in Utah.  Fortunately, they were fine and just a few pictures fell off the walls.  Needless to say, my mama's heart was wrung out!

Then the world erupted at George's Floyd's murder.  Division over masks and COVID response erupted into division over police reform and human rights.  Social media has allowed the racism that many thought did not exist to rise to the surface of reality in people's minds.  My African American friends once again felt that their lives did not matter.  It was and is heartbreaking.  As my workplace was near the deserted downtown where rallies were happening, the clinic management increased our security support.  Heather, to my pride, was out there protesting the murder.  I was reaching out to friends who were peacefully protesting while I was at work prepared to get them into the clinic if they were injured.

The following months continued with cancellations of vacation plans and other activities.  I spent most of my time working in a community garden with Heather, planting flowers on my apartment balcony, photographing squirrel and bird visitors, and helping at my church's food pantry.  I also began hiking in our county parks.

I didn't really have room in my apartment for Heather to live and do school from home while I was working from home, so she spent the summer at Dave's house.  Stephen and Jenna flew to Indiana later that summer, and we had an outdoor picnic at Dave's house.  It was weird of course, as we tried to isolate separate households from each other.  As a hugger and a toucher, this was extremely difficult for me.

By October 2020 I was feeling completely burnt-out.  I finally decided that mental health trumped pandemic fears, and I used some frequent flier miles to fly to Washington State to visit my sister Nancy that October.  It was weird flying...airports were emptier, few restaurants were open, but it was a much needed change of scenery.

For my birthday I went on an overnight backpacking trip with some awesome women from Women's Hoosier Hiker Backpackers in Morgan Monroe State Forest's Low Gap Trail.  This was the first of many wonderful, pandemic safe outings with these wonderful women from all over the state of Indiana. (backpacking pics)

Sadly, I was completely alone on Thanksgiving, and we had a Craker Family zoom call with all of the Craker cousins.  That Christmas was one of the saddest I had ever experienced.  Jonathan and Amy could not fly to California to see his family or to Indiana to see our family.  By that time Heather was back on campus, but a majority of her classes were still online.  She, too, decided to not come home.  So for the first time in my life, I woke up alone on Christmas Day.  Stephen and Jenna had flown into Indianapolis to see her family, and they were planning to head to Fort Wayne later that day. Much to my surprise and joy, Jenna called and insisted that I come spend Christmas Day with her and her parents and siblings.  Afterwards, we headed back to Fort Wayne to visit.  We had a Fort Wayne Craker Christmas zoom call later that week.

In this midst of the world seemingly turning upside down, Stephen and Jenna announced their pregnancy!  Through this precious news, I was reminded that God, indeed, is still in control. 

America continued to be seemingly irrevocably divided over the public health emergency, racism, politics, and more.  I “doom-scrolled” on my phone, endlessly convinced that as long as I was up-to-date on the news I could be prepared for anything that would come.

I was so anxious going into the 2020 Biden/Trump election that I was sure that regardless who won, there would be total anarchy in the streets.  Fortunately, that was not the case.  Regardless, I had to have some Xanax to get through the election only to have the January 6 insurrection occur weeks later.  Democracy was not and is not as secure as I thought...and the pandemic weirdness continued as I, like everyone else, tried to navigate the constant changes.

Fortunately, church started in-person again and, by the spring I was helping with Sunday school.  Gradually, the world started to reopen a bit.  That spring I joined my backpacking friends on a series of training hikes to prepare for a 3 1/2 day hike on the Tecumseh Trail, a 41-mile trek…and I actually accomplished the hike!

That summer my precious grandson Simeon Jude was born.  Knowing he was coming was all I needed to make a courageous choice.  Since moving to Utah, Stephen and Jenna had encouraged me to move to Salt Lake City.  It never seemed to be the right time until 2020, and after thought and prayer, I started looking for jobs there.  I knew Heather was moving out of state when she graduated and that Amy was looking for wildlife naturalists jobs out of state as well.  I had a great life in Fort Wayne, but I was outgrowing my job, and I did not want to be out of town from my family anymore.

By the time Simeon arrived in July 2021, I had made the decision to move and had several job interviews.  I was eventually offered a job at the Utah Department of Health and Human Services in a time-limited grant paid position.  On faith, I cashed out my retirement, hired a moving company, found an apartment in a very tight market, and packed up my life…all in just a few weeks.

It was one of the hardest things I have ever done.  Saying goodbye to 31 years of Fort Wayne life, friends, ministry, and community involvement was not easy.  I left behind an incredible women’s Christian backpacking group that I miss very, very much.  I left Avalon Missionary Church, the food bank ministry that I participated in throughout the pandemic, and more.

More in the next post how God made it all happen!