I did a very scary and courageous thing today.  After 16 years of post-cancer life, I decided to finally have genetic testing done.  This is something I have thought about for a long time.  Genetic testing wasn't even available when I was diagnosed with Stage 2A breast cancer in 1997.  

When it did become available, my doctors didn't want me to get the testing done because, at that time, there were no laws to protect me from losing my insurance due to genetic predisposition.  

Later on, when I could pursue it without fear of losing my insurance, my doctors told me to put it off until the girls were older as it would just cause years of needless fear and concern if the test for the gene mutation was positive....so I decided to wait until the girls were older.

And now that day has come.  Just this week on Monday at a check up for Amy and me, we discussed with the doctor what screening for breast cancer the girls should have going into their later teen years and early twenties since I was diagnosed at 31.  We all agreed that they should be aware of their risk but not live life afraid.  My doctor then said, "What we really need to do now is genetic testing."

So I got on the phone with the Lutheran Hospital Cancer Resource Center, and the always helpful staff pointed me to the Northeast Indiana Genetic Counseling Center.  I got an appointment for today and got everything organized.  I made sure all of my medical records from Fort Wayne Oncology and Hematology were faxed to the center.  I completed the patient registration forms and emailed them in along with my insurance information.  I even called the insurance company to make sure I had coverage.

The urgency behind it all is that once the divorce is final, which could be very soon, I will be on a different insurance plan that I am not sure would cover the testing.  So I decided to go for it.

My dear friend Elaine went with me...thankfully...because of course there was a lot of information to discuss and absorb.  I answered many, many questions about my family health history, some of which Elaine already knew.  She was super-helpful in clarifying the information and reminding me of things.  I was so glad she was there.  

And then it went from clinical to emotional when the genetic counselor said, "Once you have the results, you may have an explanation."  And I cried.  I have waited 16 years for some answers.

In the beginning right after my diagnosis, I wondered if it was the food I ate, the water I drank, the old farm land I grew on, the pesticides I was exposed to...and on and on and on.  I finally decided to let it go and not live with one foot in the grave.  All I knew is: I had cancer.  I did everything I could to defeat it and care for myself.  And then I shook the dust off my feet and went on with my life.  I refused to live in fear, in angst and with what-ifs.

But walking into that genetic office was like a dream come true...because after all is said and done, the testing isn't about me or for me...it is for my girls.  And it is my hope for their sake that I test negative for the mutation, which my doctors suspect is the case.

I will know in two weeks.  Please pray that I can live the next two weeks with out a cloud hanging over my head.  Pray that I can let go and live with whatever the outcome is.

Seeking some comfort and security in all of this, God reminded me of these verses:

Psalm 31:14-16

"But I trust in you, LORD;

I say, "You are my God; 

My times are in your hands;

deliver me from the hands of my enemies,

from those who pursue me.

Let your face shine upon your servant;

save me in your unfailing love."

I am very well aware that "my times," my time on this earth, are in His hands and they are His to do with as He pleases.  It is my hope and prayer that I can somehow continue to follow Him unfailingly regardless of what each day brings.  

I hope my up-and-down journey that has always landed me in God's tender care will point others to Him.  I have been so convicted that this blog has grown into so much more than just about me.  People all over the world are reading it and sharing it.  So many people have asked about it that I had business cards made to hand out to anyone who asks.

And as the card reads, I live my life for Him without fear of the days to come.

Proverbs 31:25

"She is clothed in strength and dignity;

she can laugh at the days to come."

P.S. For Elaine...thank you for being such a wonderful friend for over 16 years.  God so blessed my life the day you moved across the street from our family.  I know it makes you sad that I am not right there across the street anymore, but you are always in my heart and mind.  I love you, my dear friend!

This blog post is the testimony that I am being asked to share on Sunday, March 3 at The Pointe Church (www.thepointechurch.net).  Please pray for me as I simply want to honor the great and glorious God who has carried me in such miraculous ways!  Just this month alone, God has provided all that you can see in the photos below:

My Testimony to God's Incredible Faithfulness

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My husband and I separated in April 2011, and I moved out August 2011 even though I only had a part-time seasonal job. Since then God has provided me with full-time employment. Also, since then I have had 4 hospital stays, 3 surgeries, and I am dealing with several on-going chronic health problems. Naturally, this is expensive, and I have thousands of dollars in medical bills.

In spite of all of the medical expenses, hospital stays and lost wages due to those hospital stays, I decided to begin to tithe when I got my new job.  And God has more than provided.  It would take hours to tell you all that He has done.  A faithful Christian couple came forward and paid my rent for 6 months and helped me with legal fees.  Friends helped me buy groceries and repair my car.  People out of nowhere would drop by my house with gift cards for groceries.  Twice someone gave me $500 cash anonymously.  This church has helped me numerous times.

The best, most heart-filling gift of all from God came on Saturday, February 16.  I had just gotten out of the hospital and was also recovering from the flu.  I had a week without pay as I had no more sick time left.  I sat down and tried to figure out how on earth I was going to pay the bills when I was short $480.  I had never been in that position before.

The previous evening, my daughter Heather and I had watched the movie “Faith Like Potatoes.”  It is an independent Christian film based on a true story of a struggling South African farmer.  He was led to Christ through his trials and began giving his testimony in cities and even large stadiums throughout South Africa.  In a year of drought when no farmers were planting anything, God told him to plant potatoes.  Potatoes take a lot of water.  He faced naysayers, and even his own pastor was afraid for him.  But this man faithfully followed God and planted seed potatoes.  After a growing season of no rain, he went to harvest whatever he could find.  He and his friends began to dig and found fully grown potatoes ripe for the harvest!

And so I prayed as I was trying to pay the billls, “God, give me faith like potatoes.  Make something out of nothing!”

Then for some reason I was prompted by God to ask my daughter Heather to check the mail.  She came in with an envelope addressed to me with no return address on it.  In it was $450 cash and a note that said: Phillipians 4:6 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”

I wept.  I wailed.  I asked God for forgiveness for my doubt.  And my girls and I...well we rejoiced!  

I even asked Heather to re-count the money several times. I couldn't believe it was real.

I have kept a blog detailing all the goodness God has provided to me through gifts, accidents, surprise money, scholarships for activities, an unexpected insurance payout, unexpected tax returns since July 2011...the gifts go on and on....and they total over $23,000!

I want people to see God and His infinite, incredible, overwhelming love for His people in this story.  This is not about me.  This is not even about my daughters.  It is about a God who is wildly in love with you, who wants ALL of you, who is chasing after you so that you might follow Him.  Please don’t see me in this story.  Don’t put me on a pedestal.  I am simply a broken, frail person who is following hard after Him.

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Faith Like Potatoes is a must-see! It is available from Amazon as a DVD or instant stream. It is also available at Walmart.

http://www.amazon.com/Faith-Like-Potatoes-Frank-Rautenbach/dp/B001QB5SS6/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1361937770&sr=8-1&keywords=faith+like+potatoes

http://www.amazon.com/Faith-Like-Potatoes/dp/B0025X259Y/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1361937770&sr=8-2&keywords=faith+like+potatoes

http://www.walmart.com/ip/10910578

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Thank you God for The Pointe Church and my pastors who have graciously helped me pay medical bills this month!  If you live in northeast Indiana, need a church home and long for true Biblical teaching, check us out at: www.thepointechurch.net!

A powerful, powerful verse that caring friends so lovingly reminded me of when they read my latest blog entry.

II Chronicles 14:11:   "Then Asa called to the Lord his God and said, “Lord, there is no one like you to help the powerless against the mighty. Help us, Lord our God, for we rely on you, and in your name we have come against this vast army. Lord, you are our God; do not let mere mortals prevail against you."

Thank you. my dear friends, and thank you God for surrounding me with such loving, caring people!

I am really struggling with how to pay for medical expenses.  Fortunately, my church is helping me when they can.

I am have very little savings left after having some unpaid layoff days at work along with all of the unpaid days from when I was in the hospital.  Top that with unexpected medical expenses and car repairs, and I am broke.

This month alone I have paid $245 on medical expenses for just me....this includes a counseling appointment, a check up with my psychiatrist and my monthly payment to Tower Bank for my hospital stay last fall.  That doesn't even begin to cover what I am going to have to come up with for prescriptions just for me.  I am trying to spread these out as much as possible without endangering my health or my credit rating.

I just emailed Dave and asked him to help more with the kids' medical expenses.  Our provisional orders state that "respondent (me) shall pay the first $1635 of any uninsured/underinsured healthcare expenses of the children on an annual basis."  

I can not do this with all of the medical bills that I have for myself, and I have told Dave and my lawyer both that today via email.  I tried early on not to have that statement in the provisional orders, but my lawyer has said that since I receive so much child support I can't get out of it.

Since Dave and I have separated, both Amy and Stephen have gone on long-term medications and that I simply can not afford.  Both Heather and Amy have been prescribed over-the counter vitamins that I am still somehow managing to afford.

Dave has blocked me from access in his health savings account for me and the kids, even though the amount in the account is based on a family of 5.  I have asked him to consider that I have access to the GE health savings account for the kids' medical care.  Without that help, they will go without.  My lawyer spent a great deal of unpaid time looking into the legality of my having access to the account for at least me, since technically we are still married.  Unfortunately, she found that the issue of access while separated is a very grey area, and there are no definitive laws or rulings that would help me.

I am really getting scared.  I have no idea how I am going to continue to pay my Tower Bank bill every month on top of regular medical expenses.  Once the divorce is final, which is soon, I will also have to pay for my own health insurance and will have a $3000 deductible.  Simply put, I have long-term chronic physical and mental health issues that can not go untreated or un-medicated.

I keep tithing, and the numbers just don't add up.  Somehow, so far, every month I have managed to pay all the bills.  Dave thinks I am going to take on half of some credit card debt, which my lawyer is fighting.  

What I have in my favor there is that I stayed home full-time 1994-2003.  I made some money freelance writing and teaching at the Y from 2003 on but not very much.  I started working at the high school in 2007 and made $17,000 year.  Last year, since I started my new job in the fall, I made $20,000.  This year I will make $30,000, but it will be more like $25,000 once I take on medical premiums, deductibles, etc.  All the while I stayed home and/or worked low paying part-time jobs, Dave climbed the ladder at GE and at Fort 4 Fitness, and now makes at least $100,000.  Not to mention I have a 13 year old van with 170,000 miles on it that desperately needs replaced.  If this all goes to court, I hope and pray things will fall in my favor.

I need some serious encouragement and prayer.

On January 10, 1997 I became cancer-free. January 10, 2013 marks my 16th year of being free of that awful disease that has strangely blessed my life so much.  Rejoice with me as I thank God for all the goodness that He has brought to me through this experience!

On December 21 I was blessed with the day off work.  Despite needing to do a million and one things to get ready for Christmas, I answered God's call to retreat.  So after work on the 20th, I went to Camp Lutherhaven in Albion, Indiana to spend an evening and a day away in retreat and prayer. The camp offers this at no charge. I just needed to get away and process all that has gone on in my life in the past 18 months...separation, divorce (which isn't even final yet), three surgeries (one which was an emergency), moving to a new home and starting a new job. I definitely had some grief-work to do as well as to have a time to simply rest in God's arms.

The divorce will be final soon, and I have mixed feelings about it.  Dave insists on telling the kids that his having affairs were Biblically-based.  Heather voluntarily told me that he said in his mind, we were already divorced when he pursued the affairs.  He told her that in the Bible if a man wanted a divorce from his wife, he would hand her a piece of paper requesting the divorce, and it was done.  He said that he had asked me for a divorce for over two years, and that every time I talked him out of it.  Thus, because he requested the divorce, he was free to pursue other relationships.

I pray daily that the Lord would set a guard over my mouth, but I do not tolerate un-Biblical truth.  When Heather shared that information, I simply said, "Heather, I am not going to throw your dad under the bus, but what he did was NOT Biblical!"....and by God's grace that is ALL I said.

He also has some rather unfair ideas of how we are to divide up some debt that we have.  He makes over $90,000 a year, and I make $30,000.  Yet he thinks we are going to divide up the debt equally, which I am absolutely not going to accept.

My poor van is also on its last legs, having needed numerous repairs in the past several weeks.  It is my hope that when I receive half of Dave's 401K that I can cash out some of it to replace the van and roll the rest of it immediately into a 401K that I have offered through my job.

Emotionally, I have my ups and downs.  I resent that I am all alone, and Dave has merrily moved onto a relationship.  Heather and I went to a local restaurant for brunch after church one day, and, to my absolute shock and surprise, we saw Dave with his boyfriend.  Fortunately, we were seated far away from each other with a retaining wall separating us.  

I sat in shock for a few moments after we were seated, placed our order and then went to the restroom to cry.  I came out and put on a brave face for Heather, who didn't really understand what was going on.  I encouraged her to go say hello to her dad, and then I basically ignored that he was there.  He later acknowledged to me that he was with someone of romantic interest and commented that I was welcome to talk to him in public if I saw him with someone.  When he said that I was so dumb-founded that I said nothing.

Fortunately, in the past few weeks I have had the opportunity to tell the kids the truth about Dave.  He is furious that I told them, but, after much thought and prayer, decided the truth could wait no longer.

Thank God I have raised kids whom I have taught not to judge.  They all three feel it is not their place to judge Dave's lifestyle.  They are, however, shocked and bewildered by it, and angry with him that he chose to cheat on me.  He, of course, has a litany of excuses for his behavior and often tells the kids it is my fault for a variety of reasons.   I have repeatedly told the kids that it takes two people to make a marriage work; it takes two people to make a marriage fail; and I am not without fault.  I draw, the line, however, with his adultery.

I am desperately trying to honor Dave as the kids' father, even though it is terribly hard.   I also continue to tithe in the face of impossible odds and high medical bills.  I am doing my best to be obedient to God.  As I was praying and meditating on this during my retreat, God led me to this important verse:

"The LORD your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves.  He will take great delight in you; in His love He will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing." Zephaniah 3:17.

It is my hope and prayer that I live a life worthy of God's rejoice!