Need Prayer for Wisdom and Discernment for Upcoming Medical Costs

So somehow between now and August 24 I have to come up with $370 to pay the out-of-pocket costs for my upcoming surgery.  I set aside $200 a month for medical expenses to use with my flexible spending plan, and I am already using quite a bit of that for several medical bills that I have a payment plan for.  Prayers would be appreciated!

Keeping Life in Balance

I have had some very busy weeks and months but great news to share!  This is a very long post, and if you don’t have time to read it all, please read the middle paragraphs titled Astounding Financial Provision and the last paragraphs titled Balance…

My health:

Through a friend at church and my family doctor, I was led to an orthopedic shoulder specialist who took one look at my shoulder and confidently declared that six weeks of physical therapy would make all the difference.  One session with a therapist and six weeks of home therapy led to healing and finally relief of relentless pain! 

I also ended up getting two back injections, and this has helped immensely with the back problems I have been dealing with for over a year.  Continued follow up with the chiropractor has also helped.  I have a follow up appointment later this summer to determine if I need more injections, and then I will move onto physical therapy.  I like this doctor immensely as he is purposely only injecting small portions of my back at a time in order to truly isolate the problem.  He agrees with me that we don’t just want to mask the pain; we want to find the cause and fix it!  I am so grateful!

I do have an outpatient surgery scheduled in late August that will require about a week of recovery.  This is to correct some problems caused by my original cancer surgery, and it is important that I take care of it.  I have a friend coming in from out of town to help and many friends have already planned to bring me meals.  I am obviously not looking forward to yet another surgery, and I am not sure how the finances will work out either.  However, I am continuing to testify how good God has been to me in the past and how good I’m sure He will be in the future.

Heather’s health:

Heather’s dad and I took her to an appointment with a Riley Hospital pediatric specialist for her

fibromyalgia.  It was a long day, and at the end there was no silver bullet, no magic pill as Heather had hoped.  The doctor encouraged us and Heather for the fact that Heather is already doing the right things: eating right, managing her diabetes, maintaining a regular sleep schedule and avoiding screen time before bed.  The doctor recommended some inserts for her shoes, which has surprisingly really helped with her lower body fibromyalgia pain. 

Unfortunately, she does not sleep well, which is a fibromyalgia symptom.  The doctor wisely decided to not to add more medications to help with this but instead encouraged Heather to participate in low impact exercise on a regular basis.  This would in turn help her sleep better and give her a better frame of mind to deal with the fibromyalgia.  She was discouraged at this news, but she has already heard it before from our family doctor.  It’s hard to watch as a mom….sigh!

In the midst of this she decided that she did not want to continue with marching band in the fall, which I think is a wise decision.  The band community has loved our family like a church for so many years, and it is something we will always be a part of in some way or another.  I have mixed feelings as I have volunteered and have been a bus mom for several seasons, but I am also relieved.  My online MBA coursework has been more time consuming than expected, and I did wonder how I was going to manage during band season.

My work and schooling:

My MBA coursework began in January and will continue until the end of December 2017.  I currently have a 4.0 GPA, and the coursework is completely free through an Employee Scholar Program at my workplace!  Six weeks into my program, my company announced that it is moving our operations to Mexico over the course of the next two years.  The good news is that I am able to continue in my current MBA program, and I was offered a severance package to stay until no longer needed that includes six months’ salary, payment for any unused vacation, one month of job sourcing assistance and one month of health insurance….and four more years of school!

Recent announcements revealed that the first round of layoffs will be April 2017, and the second round will be June 2018.  My hope and prayer is that I make it to June 2018 as that is when Heather graduates from high school.  If I make it to that time line I would have more flexibility as to be able to move to pretty much anywhere God calls me.  If I am still with the company when I complete my current MBA, which I fully expect, I am going to pursue another masters’ degree and keep going with it and potentially even more after I am laid off.

My current MBA is in Public Health Administration, and it is my deepest desire to help others’ navigate the ever-changing healthcare and insurance climate.  I am also interested in potentially working with Inter-Varsity Christian Fellowship as a campus staff worker or even working on a college campus assisting differently-abled students or student dealing with health problems.  I am not completely sure how this is going to work out, but I know God does.

The morning of the announcement of my workplace shutdown, I was praying about all of this on the way to work.  I knew there was to be a major announcement at work, but I had no idea what it was and I wasn’t even worried.  I never dreamed the company would shut down our location.  Regardless, I was just talking with God, and He said to me a clear as could be: “You are right where you are supposed to be right now.  As for the future, I will let you know what you need to know when you need to know it!” 

So when the announcement came, while I was shocked and afraid, I was assured by God that all was well.  It took some time for all of us in our department to catch our breath and deal with the emotions, but fortunately most of us are now committed to doing the best job possible in the coming months to be able to hand off our responsibility to our Mexican counterparts.

Our Mexican counterparts are in and out of the office for training and meetings.  While at first it was a bit hard, God has given me a great love for them.  During a recent week, several of the women were working in a nearby office and as time went on, they looked more and more tired, stressed and culture-shocked.  Well, you know me, I can’t stand to see others suffer…so I gave them my personal business card and told them to contact me before when they are in town so I could have them over to my house for dinner. 

They are extremely fluent in English, but I was also concerned about how they would manage if one of them became ill or injured, so I offered my help to them in emergencies as well.  The love and response was overwhelming.  I had no idea it would mean so much to them, and it has become more and more evident to me that a new mission field is a mere office away from mine.

 Astounding financial provision:

As most of you know, I live pretty much from paycheck-to-paycheck, and I am okay with that.  I enjoy the challenge of stretching every dollar, although it is hard at times.  I obviously have a lot of medical bills, so I have to manage money very carefully.  All three of my kids are on their dad’s health insurance, and I am completely off the hook for any medical financial responsibility for Stephen and Amy.  I budget carefully for the amount I am required to provide for Heather.

In the past year, I have traveled to London (all expenses paid for by a dear college friend), participated in Inter-Varsity Christian Fellowship's triennial missions conference, Urbana '15 (paid for by InterVarsity to thank me for being a long-time donor…kind of embarrassing…and hotel paid for through donations) and I am getting my MBA for free.  Wow!  God’s economy is amazing!



Urbana 15
 

The timing of my pending layoff is absolutely incredible as well.  I have very little debt (car, medical and one credit card).  I don’t own a home with a mortgage (love renting my little townhouse), and I also will receive 48% of 22 years of my ex-husbands’ retirement.  I also do not have to pay for the kids’ college expenses at all as the divorce settlement put that responsibility on my ex-husband.





London Bridge

I am at the perfect opportunity to truly go where God calls.  My plan, depending on the all the variables, is to actively start looking for work when my masters’ degree is complete with the intention to start a new job shortly after the layoff.  At the wise advice of one of my friends, I am being patient but not complacent and am keeping my eye out for opportunities. 

Depending on the timing of the layoff and potential new employment, I am hoping to take a short bit of time off to travel a bit, perhaps to San Francisco to visit some friends, to New York to visit my nephew and back to London to see my dear friends there.  Before I pursue the travel, however, I am tentatively planning to give up my townhouse rental and put everything in storage.  I was planning to give up the townhouse when I no longer have Heather’s child support, which, interestingly enough, ends about the same time as my potential layoff and about the same time Heather would leave for college.  I would have needed to down-size anyway.  God has blessed me with so many friends with whom I could stay for short periods of time while all the details of what’s next come together.

Stephen and Amy:

Stephen graduated from Indiana University with dean’s list honors this past spring.  This fall he is headed to the University of Kentucky for a three-year graduate school program.  His final degree will be a masters’ in educational psychology, and it is his hope to work in a school district with at-risk students.  His Spanish ability is incredible as he has been immersed in Spanish-speaking cultures for several mission trips, so I think his future employability looks very promising.  Please pray for him as he needs to find housing, employment, a church and to manage all of the adjustment this type of endeavor involves.

Amy is starting her junior year at Purdue University this fall and just very successfully completed a wildlife study practicum in the Western Upper Peninsula the first part of the summer.  She is spending the rest of her summer working in the kitchen at our beloved Cedar Campus. 

Please keep her in your prayers as she had a rough year with her depression.  She is working with our family doctor to manage her medications, and it is our hope that she will take the initiative to get into regular counseling this fall.

All three kids will be at Cedar Campus with me this year, which is a rare treat.  They grow up and literally scatter to the winds, so I am grateful for this time with them.

Balance:

In order to handle all that is going on, including the increased transition work load and long hours at my job, I have to maintain a healthy balance of creative time, work time, relationships, financial responsibilities, commitment to spiritual growth and my own well-being.  This means getting enough sleep, taking time for my creative outlet, regular exercise and spiritual replenishment.  Some weeks I do this better than others, and when I don’t keep this balance I get really spiritually, emotionally and mentally out of whack.   

It is a rigorous commitment to this statement: Every day we have to remember not only who we are but Whose we are.  It’s a conscious decision to realize that stress is a choice.  It’s daily dying to self.  It’s Lordship and letting go of control of things God already has handled anyway.  It’s guarding the mindset of peace that Satan so desperately attacks.  It’s avoiding the mommy-martyr syndrome.  It’s treating myself with the respect I deserve. 

Will you pray for me on this journey?  I am so ever grateful for all of you!

So Many Things to Be Thankful For (but as always, prayer needed for health concerns)

I had an extraordinary trip to London in November, the cost of which was covered by a college friend who gifted me the money for my new passport, a hotel stay in Chicago, my plane ticket and my personal spending money.  I stayed with a dear friend and her family who had at one time lived in the States.  She and her family have been going through some very tough times lately, and I so longed to see her in person.  I will never forget the kindness of my benefactor!  I will write and share more about the trip in a future blog entry.

I also had the awesome opportunity to attend InterVarsity Christian Fellowship's triennial missions conference Urbana 15 the last week of December.  This trip was gifted to me by the organization to honor the fact that I have been a long-time donor (kind of embarrassing to admit that) and the fact that I put the organization in my will.   Apparently a big deal!  A friend even donated money to cover my hotel expenses!  It was an opportunity I definitely wanted to embrace as I am praying about God's will for my upcoming empty nest years....thinking of career #2....more about that later.

My daughter Heather and I could really use prayers for managing chronic health conditions.  We are so emotionally done...spiritual attack after making some monumental spiritual decisions perhaps....should have seen it coming :)

As many of a you know Heather is a type 1 diabetic, and she manages beautifully.  On top of that she has asthma and sinus infections, mild scoliosis and was just diagnosed with fibromyalgia and anxiety.

Thankfully, after a few trial runs with some medications, we have landed on two that are helping immensely.  She has agreed to go counseling, which I think will help. 

It was so heart-breaking to see how poorly she was doing from before my London trip to when I came home.  Of course, I got her into our family doctor right away even though they said they had no openings.  (This Mama does not take NO for an answer!)  By then her pain was all over systemic, and we suspected juvenile rheumatoid arthritis.  All tests for that came back negative, thankfully.

I was so concerned that I was thinking about NOT going to the missions conference.  God bless my middle child Amy...we called her at Purdue to tell her what was going on, and she just wept.  (You see, Heather is her baby!)  Amy was shocked when I told her I was thinking of not going to the conference.  She sternly told me, "Mom, you have to go!"  She went on to remind me that she would be home soon, and she is like Heather's 2nd mother and would watch over her.  I sure do have great kids!

I am much encouraged by Heather's improvement in the last week, and she had a great check up today for her diabetes.

And then there's me...my poor body!  I broke my right shoulder about 10 years ago ice skating with Heather.  At the time there was not much the doctors could do, so I just wore a sling.  In the past few years it has become excruciatingly painful when cold weather sets in, which made me think it was arthritis.  MRI scans and x-rays have shown no arthritis....instead I have two impartial tears in my rotator cuff.  Not sure what is next, but surgery is likely. 

I have absolutely no idea how I am going to manage alone and work with an immobilized arm for 6-8 weeks, but I am sure I can figure it out with help.  If I do have to have surgery, I want to wait until warmer weather....I don't want to be wobbling around on snow and ice with my body out of balance.  Heather suggested I do it in the summer, when she is out of school and also could stay with me to help me the bulk of the summer.

Last March I started having extreme lower back problems, and I have much improved thanks to my chiropractor.  Unfortunately, I still have to sit on a special pillow all the time.  I have one in the car and one at work and one at home.  When I am out and about and we go somewhere I have to sit, I take the darn pillow....I have been doing this for almost 10 months, and it has become quite annoying.  The pain comes and goes and is very extreme at times with pain radiating to other areas of my back and down my legs.  Motrin has become a food group in my diet!

Those of you who know me well know that I have a very high pain tolerance...so for me to complain, it's bad.  I have had 14 surgeries, cancer, chemo, radiation, broken bones and three babies for heaven's sake!   And God carried me through it all, and I am sure He will do so again!



So I am seeing an ortho doctor this month and a back specialist in March.

I honestly don't know what Heather and I would do without each other.  Just a few weeks ago she was crying and in pain and completely stressed out...that night I just crawled into her bed and cried with her.  Tonight when I wasn't feeling well and in pain, I wept and said, "Could I just have one day when I feel good and am not in pain?  Just one day!"  Bless her sweet heart, she completely understood, made her own dinner and sent me to soak in the tub.  God sure knew what He was doing by putting our family together!

So everyday I make the conscious decision to choose gratitude.  At the same time,  I want to these things fixed!  I have things to do for God!  At 50 I am far too young to have to be concerned about whether or not I should carry luggage or wear a backpack and popping tons of Motrin everyday!


Every day I am making the conscious decision to choose joy, to keep putting one foot in front of the other.  I usually wake up in pain, rouse myself out of bed, get dressed and eat breakfast (so I can take Motrin and follow it up with Extra Strength Tylenol a few hours later.)  In my head I know have to eat to take pain meds...so I stagger toward that goal every morning.  Then I head to work, knowing that the distraction will help and that the pain meds will kick in.  The rest of the day goes better, but by evening I am exhausted.  The good news is that my asthma and colon are doing great!  And I just celebrated my 19th anniversary of being CANCER FREE....what an incredible milestone!

Please pray for pain management, wisdom for treatment decisions to be made, eyes that look to Jesus no matter what and a heart that chooses joy.

 

Dear Friends,

 This is a recap from an email many of you have received already, but I wanted to add some personal notes at the end....so feel free to scroll down to the asterisk line.

Earlier this year I was invited by Inter-Varsity Christian Fellowship to attend their Urbana missions conference in St. Louis between Christmas and New Year’s.  This is a conference held every three years and has over 16,000 people who attend and includes Bible study, speakers from all over the world, and hundreds of seminars and exhibitors.  It is a discerning space to discover where your gifts, dreams and calling meet God’s global mission.

As I read the invitation I was surprised to learn that my registration to the event is free of charge and that I was also given a generous hotel discount.  I learned from the donor office that it was a gift to honor all the years that my ex-husband and I had given to the IVCF ministry and the years that I had continued to give since our divorce.  It was definitely an unexpected surprise blessing!

Attending Urbana is my next step in discerning God’s call in this new season of my life.  I am writing to first and foremost to ask for your prayers for my health and safety for the trip and that I would be able to learn more of God’s call for me as I begin preparing for an empty nest.  I am in the process of meeting with some Indiana Inter-Varsity students from the area in the hopes that we can carpool and share my hotel room to help cover expenses.

 I am also writing to ask that you prayerfully consider donating funds to cover my expenses for this ministry opportunity.  You can donate by check by using the address below.  Unfortunately, I am not a non-profit organization, so you can’t consider it a tax-deductible donation.  Please prayerfully consider giving whatever God lays on your heart.  Please do not feel obligated to give…I covet your prayers more than anything else.

 While married, I had ministry dreams and aspirations that God laid on my heart that I was not able to pursue.  Shortly after my divorce, I was surprised to realize that life was a completely open book for me and that now, perhaps I could pursue the ministries God had so long laid on my heart.  Suddenly, being single starting looking pretty awesome!

As a result of the open road before me, I have been able to grab onto a wonderful opportunity to go back to school in January to earn my MBA in public health administration….as many of you know patient advocacy is a great passion of mine….particularly considering all of the health challenges my family and I have faced.  The best gift of all?  My employer is paying for my tuition!  All I have to do is pay taxes on the tuition.

I was also recently blessed by a friend of mine who provided finances so I could travel to London over the Thanksgiving holiday.  I have a dear friend who is in ministry there who is going through some unbearable hardships, and I can hardly wait to minister to her and her family in person...not mentioned an opportunity to tour London!

Also, in January I am starting a training program at my church to continue offering advocacy services to those in my congregation and others who need it.  The program is called “Stephen Ministry,” and the training involves classes that cover a variety of issues from understanding grief and loss to ministering to shut-ins, those experiencing economic hardship, those struggling with illness, those experiencing divorce or trauma, and as well as developing listening skills and participating in assertiveness training.

I have walked this valley of pain, and by God’s grace have come out healed, provided for and with a joyful heart….how can I not in turn share this with others?

Friends, there is not a week that goes by that I am not helping someone in this capacity already…I have helped people find doctors, get free medications, manage their medical bills, write insurance appeals, find lawyers, etc.  I have also simply sat with people and shared their grief as well…God has definitely helped me see when there is a time for action and a time to simply weep with those who are hurting.

And I so want to help as many people as I can!

Thank you again for the love and prayers through the ups and down of the last several years.  Someone commented to me the other day that they were sorry I had had such a hard life. 

I laughed and replied, “I have a wonderful life…all the things you see as downfalls were greatly used by God to make me who I am today….and I would not trade those hardships for anything.  They were the best things that could have ever happened to me because through them I learned joy, contentment and peace and finally fully accepted God’s incredible grace in my life.”

So here is to praising God for what seem to be hardships and prayerfully serving Him today and in the future!

Sincerely,

 Liz Craker, 9528 Aboite Center Road, Fort Wayne, IN 46804
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Personal notes for my regular blog readers:

I have been in the ER once again with colon issues.  Fortunately, the issue resolved itself without invasive medical intervention.  My sweet Heather and I were driving to church this past Sunday when the fierce pain hit.  I pulled over and she took me to the ER and handled the whole situation amazingly!

Heather has had an extremely tough fall with diabetes' and her rigorous band schedule.  I have been a bus chaperone for many events so I can be there when an emergency arises.  God in his infinite wisdom led me to another band mom who is a diabetes' nurse who is also a bus chaperone...so when I can't go with the band, she and many other band moms keep a watchful eye on Heather.  She has had bronchitis and a tummy bug...all which affect her blood sugar.  She even got so ill during the PSAT that she was unable to finish. 

Also, one day at band she was preparing to compete at our local high school when she experienced extremely low blood sugar.  Amy and Stephen were home from college to see Heather perform.  I had just returned home from volunteering at the event, when we received a call that Heather was not doing well.  Amy and I rushed over to the school while Stephen was on stand by in case things got really bad....and then as we pulled out of the driveway,  Amy hit Stephen's newly purchased used car with my car.

We all had a bit of a panic, but I was able to regroup.....I said, "it's just cars....we will deal with it later...Heather is our main concern."

We got to the school and found her doing better after taking some glucose tabs.  The band director and staff were extremely encouraging and let Heather decide if she felt up to performing.  She decided not to perform, and I took her home and put her to bed after following up with her doctor.

Needless to say, all that transpired was extremely overwhelming, but Stephen and Amy both learned a great lessons about grace and forgiveness....after all, in the big picture it was just two cars with some minor damage that could be easily repaired.  Seeing Heather so ill definitely put it all into perspective.

In spite of her health issues, my amazing kid has marched to a 3rd Place State finish as well as a 5th Place Regional finish.  Now we are onto National competition next weekend.  She manages all of this with all As, two Bs and a rigorous dual credit schedule.  Between study breaks she is teaching herself to play guitar, and I just love to hear her play and sing.  Here she is celebrating her recent State victory...this picture taken by another band mom blessed my socks off!

My job is continuing to do well and I am training under a wonder team leader.  My boss, who is a Christian and who has been a single mom herself, is very gracious about work-life balance and the endless doctors' appointments we seem to have.  Consequently, I am fiercely loyal and dedicate my self whole-heartedly to my work....within reason, of course.  I am learning a great deal about international supply management and expediting for the commodities that I purchase.  I am hoping that experience will pay off in future missions work or ministry.  The job affords me the opportunity in the future to either go into full time missions work or ministry or to continue in this career field as well as volunteer in missions or ministry.  I am excited to see how that all comes together.


As always I am grateful and humbled that you read this blog and come along side me in this crazy life journey.  Things are hard and extremely frustrating at times, but I have been given such contentment and joy no matter...which is priceless in itself.  I just celebrated my 50th birthday and took the day off work...I spent the entire day doing things just for me, and it was AWESOME! 

My New Testimony

I have begun to think of my life as a threatrical play.

Act 1 was full of the scenes of my childhood and growing up years, high school, college, career, children and all the ups and downs that life entails, caregiving for elderly parents, as well as dealing with several of my own health problems as well as those of my children.

Act 2 has been full of an unexpected life change of divorce, being a single mom, and continuing to deal with chronic illness as well as going back to full time work, guiding my children through their school years, college and beyond.

When my marriage ended, there were many trials, ongoing health issues and financial distress. At the time I was making $17,000 a year as a teacher’s aide. Over and over God provided miraculously as many of you know. Finances were tight, but we never went without. Through it all God healed my heart and enabled me to move onto a life of joy, grace and forgiveness that could not have come from my brokenness on my own.

My ex-husband is a wonderful father who generously provides above and beyond what he is legally required to do. He gives me money for their Christmas presents and even pays for their vacation expenses so every year they can attend Cedar Campus, a family camp and student training camp,  managed by Inter-Varsity Christian Fellowship, as he knows important that place is for our kids.

We go out for coffee every few months to discuss how the kids are doing and how we want to handle the variety of situations that inevitably arise in parenting a split household. The discussions and time together are actually very enjoyable, and we have become better parents because of them.

While married, I had ministry dreams and aspirations that God laid on my heart that my then-husband would not allow me to pursue….so I set them aside. Shortly after we separated, I was surprised to realize that life was a completely open book for me and that now, perhaps I could pursue the ministries God had so long laid on my heart. Suddenly, being single starting looking pretty awesome!

However, after the divorce, I allowed myself to enter a relationship that did not honor God and thus, I again set ministry hopes aside all the while God was gently tapping my shoulder to not forget the open future to serve Him.

Eventually, the new relationship ended mutually.  Although painful, the entire process was an incredible teaching gift from God. The relationship taught me that I am still a smart, desirable, beautiful woman even though my former husband chose to end our marriage. God used the relationship to remind me to not believe the lies that Satan told me about myself that racked my self-confidence that had been completely crushed.

Also, through that relationship I learned so much about God’s incredible grace and how there is NOTHING I could ever do to change His love for me. My stubborn heart finally learned that I could do absolutely nothing for God and He will still love me. I began working with a counselor to resolve my “works-mentality” Christianity that I struggled with for years and I truly embraced His grace…and my motivation to serve Him totally changed. In the past I often served because I thought I had to, or felt obligated to or felt I had to live up to others expectations. I now serve out of gratitude for His love.

I also learned that the best part of falling away from God is coming home to Him.

The most miraculous part of this story is how God literally has provided thousands and thousands of dollars completely unsolicited when I most needed it…over and over and over…everything from free school lunches and textbooks, college scholarships for Stephen and Amy, unexpected envelopes of cash in my mailbox, patient assistance programs, free medications, medical bills being discounted or written off, Indiana tax breaks for single moms, awesome insurance coverage for Heather’s diabetes’ supplies….. so much money that I have lost count.

Earlier this year I was invited by Inter-Varsity Christian Fellowship’s donor department to attend their Urbana mission conference in St. Louis between Christmas and New Year’s. This is a conference held every three years and has over 16,000 people who attend and includes Bible study, speakers from all over the world, hundreds of seminars and exhibitors. It is a discerning space to discover where your gifts, dreams and calling meet God’s global mission and a great opportunity for me to prayerfully continue to explore options for the future.  I can hardly wait to attend with some Inter-Varsity staff and students from Indiana!

As I read the invitation I was surprised to learn that I was invited free of charge and was given a generous hotel discount. I learned from the donor office that it was a gift to honor all the years that my ex-husband and I had given to the IVCF ministry and the years that I had continued to give.  I am so thankful!


Ultimately through all of these events, God’s grace has put me back to the place where I am an open book to His call. I just have no idea what it is yet and I am so excited about it!

I told my kids early on in the divorce that when they graduate from college and are launched in life that I am being called to leave home to possibly minister in other states or possibly other countries.

They were naturally concerned for my chronic health issues, especially if I ended up far from medical care. God spoke through me to soothe their fears as I told them, “I would rather be in God’s will in a Third World country away from medical care that could possibly cause my death than to be outside of God’s will safe at home.”

I also wondered if might miss their young adulthood, family Christmases, holidays and eventually grandbabies if I ended up in missions in another country. As I was praying through this, God reminded me, “You will have eternity with them…what more could you need?”

 As a result of all of these events and me finally listening to God, I can honestly say that I have never been more content in my life....I am so happy in this almost empty nest season of my life...looking forward to what the future brings while enjoying the incredible blessings around me every day.


Remember:

Never let your actions or others' opinions dictate what you think God’s grace can or cannot do for you.

Never let your checkbook balance dictate what you can do for God.

for-all-us-hope-ers-when-things-aren't-working-out-as-we'd-hoped

Been Sick For Almost A Week

I have been sick for almost a week, and I desperately need your prayers.

I started out with chills and body aches last Wednesday evening that turned into a 5-day fever of 101. I couldn't get into my doctor so I went to the after hours clinic, and they immediately sent me to the ER.  Some friends took me there and stayed with me until I was released.  Bloodwork and chest x-rays showed nothing.  After following up with my family doctor it has been determined that I have some kind of virus.

I got up several days expecting to go to work, only to find my self too dizzy and shaky.  I felt a lot better yesterday, and I fully intended to go to work today...but again I was dizzy and almost passed out in the shower.

My boss informed me that I have to go on disability when I run out of sick time...fortunately before this I had 96 hours of sick time. This has taken up 40 so far.  I am hoping that I can get back to work soon, but don't want to push it either.


Please pray for restoration and healing and that I would not needlessly worry about finances.  My sick days are paid for, but there are going to be quite a few of medical bills.  I am already at my limit of what I can pay as I am trying to pay off several medical bills from previous illnesses this year.  God has always miraculously provided in the past, so you would think I wouldn't be concerned...but stupidly I am.

Every day I am sick, I am one day closer to being well.  Yes, this is discouraging and I am going to stay positive above all else.

On a good note, during this time at home I bought my ticket to London this week that a friend is paying for, and managed some details for the InterVarsity Christian Fellowship's Urbana missions conference that I am attending after Christmas.  I also finalized details for our vacation at InterVarsity's Cedar Campus.  

I have so much to look forward to, and I am not letting this recent illness get the best of me!

End of a Relationship

My relationship of two years with my boyfriend just ended mutually.  I have such mixed feelings.  Things have not gone well between us for quite some time.

I am so tired, but I have been encouraged by my life counselor to write this the evening we broke up.  I am numb, overwhelmed, sad. 

I think we jumped into to a serious commitment too quickly after my divorce.  We were so head over heels in love in the beginning that we immediately started making life-long plans, buying a truck together, merging bills and even moving in together.  Not the smartest decision I have ever made and certainly not one I would want my children to copy. 

I knew right away that he was not a Christian and had no desire for Christ.  He always respected my faith and encouraged me to follow it.  That was always going to be a big divide between us.

I am sure there are Christians who would slay me for living with him and for being involved with a non-Christian, but it is God's role to work through this with me. Every time I went to God with my choices I was met with love and compassion and grace…more than I have ever felt in my life.  

We moved in together when I was having health issues a little over a year ago and my boyfriend was extremely worried about me.  Then we were busy with Heather’s band season.  That was followed by the busy holidays.  Then things settled down, and we slowly realized we just didn’t have much in common.

I frustrated the daylights out of him because I often didn’t hear and/or remember things he would tell me.  I do have hearing issues that doctors have diagnosed as an auditory processing disorder…that is part of the problem….but I was also so absorbed in the kids, planning things around everyone else but him, forgetting things he told me, arranging schedule stuff and commitments without including him, and arguing with him when I didn’t agree with the very opinions I asked him for.

I did not purposely choose to not to hear or remember things, but I could have done better.  I just got tired of being beat up for it as he lost his patience with me.

I kept hurting him and hurting him.  And then it got to the point that I felt pushed away.  We became barely more than roommates, and I wanted to build new experiences and do things together that he just didn’t want to do.

I was unhappy and insecure and he was unhappy.  I certainly didn’t feel cherished or desired anymore.  At best, I felt tolerated, and he felt disrespected.  Frankly, we both deserved better. 

We both admitted we had things to work on to make the relationship improve.  I didn’t want to lose him, but I didn’t want to go on feeling hurt and hurting him. When he would not agree to go to counseling it was time to call it a day...so we mutually decided that it was much too difficult to continue to try to make it work.

Now we are working out the details of undoing our budget and finances and household.  That is going to be tough as I lost Amy’s child support last year, but I am determined to make it work.  Any cheaper apartment would be outside of the bus line from school for Heather, so a move is not practical.  I will go back to having very little savings and eking it out with my tax returns as I have done in the past.  I am not about to stop tithing.  I just can’t do it.  God has been so faithful.

We had a family meeting with the girls, and Amy was mad that I made her come home from a friend’s house to meet with us.  He and I wanted to come clean with them as soon as possible, especially since he took the next day off work to move out.

He is such a gypsy and can live with nothing…he is leaving me all the kitchen stuff, towels, sheets…except for a few things.  He is only taking taking a chair, his paintings and his TV…that’s it.  He gave his couch to Stephen for his IU apartment and his bed to Heather.  I feel bad that he has nothing, but that is his choice.  He is even leaving his bicycle. 

I always thought when the going gets tough in a relationship those who value it are willing to put work into it...if one just simply walks away without a fight to save the relationship, it makes the other person wonder how committed you were in the first place.  I was truly hurt by his unwillingness to fight for us.

I will have to figure out how to buy a TV, and I have to laugh that I got overwhelmed about that.  I tackled so much after Dave and I separated that a TV should be nothing.  Dave actually had a spare TV that he is loaning me for a bit.

I logged onto Facebook recently and saw the following picture on a friend’s page.  I so needed to see this.

Fortunately, my health has been good, although the past three days I have been home from work with a fever.  I just got results back from my recent colonoscopy and the news was very encouraging...areas that were ulcerated have healed, and pending no problems I don't have to have another colonoscopy for 3-5 years!  I did injure my back which ended me up in the ER twice in March, and I have battled several infections in recent weeks...now I am slowly mending.

Stephen is heading back to Ecuador for 5 weeks with his campus fellowship....You can donate to his work by clicking here. Amy is home for the summer and is spending more time with Dave, which I am grateful for.  

The week of the break up Amy and Heather had just come to stay with me for two weeks, and even though I love them dearly, I was ready for a break and to mourn in peace and quiet.  

Amy is home for the weekend and working part-time.  She is planning a trip to San Francisco later this summer to visit a college friend.

Heather is busy with a summer P.E. class, drivers' ed and music lessons.  She is headed to Y camp later this summer, and right after our vacation at Cedar Campus she begins band camp.

Amy, Stephen and Heather at his IU apartment celebrating his 21st birthday! 

I will be doing some more traveling in the next few months.  I have a dear friend who served in our church for a time and then she moved back to England.  We stay in touch through Facebook chats and texts.  Another friend of mine knew how badly I wanted to see my London friend, and he donated cash for the plane ticket, a hotel room in Chicago the before the flight and money for my new passport and other expenses.  I am going the week of Thanksgiving!  This friend has blessed my socks off!

Then at Christmas I am attending Urbana, InterVarsity Christian Fellowship's triennial missions conference.  I am so excited...and as a long-time donor to InterVarsity my conference registration is free, and I also got a hotel discount.  I will be sending out letters to raise support to cover the hotel and other expenses later this summer.  I just know that God wants to use the skillset I am developing at my job to do some unimaginable things for Him in the future.

I also will be traveling to New York sometime next year to visit my nephew...and in January I have the opportunity to participate in an education program paid for by my employer to earn my MBA.  I am a little nervous but totally excited!

I guess you can kind of tell I have a new-found sense of freedom, although I am broken-hearted about the relationship ending.  I know the breakup was the right choice, as I started feeling relieved not too long after we ended it.  I didn't realize how I was walking in eggshells around him, trying to make things go smoothly...but there have been plenty of tears too. 

But I have been through worse, and God is not about to let me down yet.  Were my choices with my boyfriend taking God's plans for me for granted?  Did I not trust God for His timing for the right person at the right time?  Did I rush into the relationship head-long without thinking it through?  Did I fall for the first person who expressed interest in me in the midst of healing from my divorce?  (I don't believe the last statement as I truly loved him).  Perhaps "yes" to all of the above.  I obviously have a lot of thinking and praying to do.  

I do know this...I learned that I could love again, and I was and am still am extremely blessed that it made me realize that I am still a beautiful, desirable woman.  

I will always be grateful to him for that as long as I live.