10 Good Things 

That Happened to Me in 2013

1. I managed to stay out of the hospital for almost an entire year...no surgeries!

2. My daughter Heather was diagnosed with diabetes, and while the diabetes was not good, her courage and ability to adapt stunned me.

3. My divorce was finalized, and while that was sad, the settlement allowed me to pay off all bills except my car payment, and other than that I am debt free.

4.  I fell in love, and while the relationship did not work out, I was and still am extremely blessed that it made me realize that I am still a beautiful, desirable woman.

5. I was able to take the kids to InterVarsity's Cedar Campus for vacation because I was given scholarship funds for my costs and my ex-husband helped pay the kids expenses.

6. In February after an unexpected hospital stay and a week without pay, $450 cash miraculously and anonymously showed up in my mailbox just when I needed it most.

7.  All year long, just when I needed it the most, additional money was given to me by friends, my church and also more anonymous people.

8. I tested negative for the breast cancer gene, which means my girls' risk is now 20% instead of 80%.  The lab also paid my entire bill of $600 due to financial hardship.

9. St. Vincent's Hospital in Indy wrote off a $3700 bill, and the Zionsville Fire  Department/Ambulance company wrote off a $600 bill.

10. I was very blessed to participate in two awesome small groups at The Pointe Church, one of which adopted me as their service project and collected money to help me pay medical bills.

11. I bought a used Toyota Pruis, which I absolutely love.

12. My daughter Amy was in a fairly serious car accident this fall and walked away without a scratch!  She was also accepted to Purdue University to begin studying to be a veterinarian.

13. My son Stephen continued to do well at IU-Bloomington with classes and part-time work and continued to be involved in a campus fellowship.

I am thinking that listing 10 is just not enough!

A Sad Ending

What I hoped would lead into a permanent relationship with a very special man ended mutually this evening.  I am sad but also simply grateful for the time we spent together. He will always have a special place in my heart.

I am so heartbroken and once again find myself wondering, "Now what?" regarding my life and my future.  This man and I had dreams and plans for a future that has now been swept away.  We often talked and dreamed about the places we could move to or travel to and the things we could do when Amy goes to Purdue next year and when Heather eventually goes to college, and we would have more "kid free" time.

Not having "kid free" time has been a struggle for me as a whole and was frustrating for me when I was in this relationship. Amy is with me full-time (by her choice) while Heather goes back and forth every other week to her dad's house.  While I did not want to wish away Amy's senior year, I often fretted and wished she was off to college so my boyfriend and I could have more time alone.  Maybe my priorities were just mixed up, but that is water under the bridge now.

I don't like this facing an uncertain future again.  I feel depression sweeping me away again.  I am cemented in grief.

As I wrote in an earlier post, he contributed to a great deal of emotional healing for me after my divorce.  A dear friend said that perhaps that was God's plan and that was this man 's purpose in this season of my life.  Perhaps that is true.

This month has been brutal as things have fallen apart between the two of us.  

I also had some divorce issues I had to deal with.  

An additional legal bill to pay.  

Red tape about wrapping up my health insurance with my ex-husband's company and going on my new insurance.  

Receiving a letter detailing my dates of insurance with my ex-husband's company: April 20, 1991 through May 27, 2013.  That was like seeing a tombstone for our marriage!  

A last family dentist appointment together while still on his insurance. 

Continued milestones that I didn't expect that caused me pain.

Grief, grief, grief...my goodness I have had enough!

I Am A Worn Out Mama

Last weekend, in my frantic rush to get everything done, I drove distractedly to the high school to prepare to chaperon on the band bus for yet another band trip.  I had just rushed to the store all the while yelling at Heather to hurry, hurry, hurry.  We left the store, and I was driving too fast and was very distracted.  

I was thinking about a million things at once, including how to stretch my finances since I had unexpectedly received almost $200 in medical bills this past week.

I ended up hitting a pothole and getting not one, but two flat tires!

It only added to the stress, and I ended up with a migraine later in the day. Needless to say, I did not make it to the band competition.

It was a wake up call that I was just stretched too thin.  I was constantly rushing and short-tempered with the ones I love the most.

Band is over this weekend, and I had already been wearily anticipating the next season of Amy's winter color guard.  Practice and auditions for that start a week after band ends.  Competitions are almost every weekend January through the first of March.

And I realized I just can't do it all any more.

I had recently turned in Winter Guard paperwork and said I could chaperon on the buses for the competitions.  I just emailed the color guard directors and told them I am not going to be able to chaperon this year after all. 

When Dave and I separated, I was still only working 7-3 at the high school and was able to continue my heavy commitment with band and color guard. Last fall I started my new job and but did not keep up with the same level of involvement due to my health issues and hospital stays.

This year is the first year I have been working full time and trying to maintain the same level of volunteering with the band and with the color guard.  I have been stretched very, very thin, which makes it harder and harder for me to be the mom I want to be.  I am also concerned that if I keep up with the same level of involvement, I will end up with further health issues.  So it was with a heavy heart that I stepped back.

And I was instantly relieved....which gave me peace with the decision....a very good clue that it was a right decision!

And bless Amy's heart...she completely understood.  She lovingly looked at me and said, "Mom, I understand.  Just do what you can."

I think, hope and pray that as I stumble through these crossroads that I am giving my kids a good example of balancing this tightrope walk we call life.

Mandisa - What Scars Are For (Lyric Video)

Tomorrow is my 48th birthday...and though my heart, body and mind are full of scars from all I have been through I know that God has brought me through them all.  Are you breathing today?  That's a gift from God.  Thank Him for it.  Don't take any moment for granted.  Take that advice from someone who has survived cancer, over 14 surgeries, health problems, heart-break and divorce only to come out on the other side stronger, wiser and surprisingly blessed by the unexpected twists and turns of my life.

Awesome Video Every Woman Should Watch!

Very fitting considering my previous blog!

Leave It All Behind

A recent essay I submitted to a writing contest....enjoy!  It is long but worth the read:

Today, September 2, 2013, I made the courageous decision to leave beind old, unhealed pain and truly begin my life anew after the end of a 22-year marriage.

I had been wallowing in self-pity and self-doubt for so long...ever since I had discovered my ex-husband’s homosexual affairs after confronting him about suspicious text messages on his phone on Easter Sunday, April 2010.

I thought the divorce and the fact that my ex-husband was gay was my fault.  When the truth of his actions were finally revealed, I had a sense of overwhelming helplessness and abandonment.  I was literally emotionally paralyzed.  

I thought, because of years of his untruthful statements about me,  that I could not do anything right.  I thought I was not attractive...sexual or otherwise.  I thought I didn’t deserve or couldn’t have lasting love.

So I took the easy way out...the chicken way out.  For months after our split I told everyone...my teenage children included...that the romantic part of my life was over….that I would never love again.  It was if I had been riding a merry-go-round and refusing to go for the brass ring...the potential to be happy.

After all, I had had over 14 surgeries for a breast cancer lumpectomy and a variety of other health issues along with chemotherapy and radiation, depression, embarrassing colon issues and suicidal thoughts.

All of the medical problems came with a host of side-effects, including some hearing loss.    I thought, “Who would want a woman with scars all over her body and ½ a breast who can’t hear well who has to run to the bathroom all the time?  Not to mention a woman who couldn’t keep her husband satisfied?”

I resented that I was all alone, and my ex-husband had happily moved onto new relationships.  Running into him and one of his dates only added to my insecurity.  

My youngest daughter and I went to a local restaurant for brunch after church one day, and, to my absolute surprise, we saw my ex-husband with a man.  Fortunately, we were seated far away from each other with a retaining wall separating us.  

I sat in shock for a few moments after we were seated, placed our order and then went to the restroom to cry.  I came out and put on a brave face for my daughter, who didn't really understand what was going on.  I encouraged her to go say hello to her dad, and then I basically ignored that he was there.  He later acknowledged to me that he was with someone of romantic interest and commented that I was welcome to talk to him in public if I saw him with someone.  When he said that I was so dumbfounded that I said nothing.

After that incident I was even more convinced I would forever be alone, while my ex-husband went on with his love life.

And then a wonderful man, rocked my world of safe, although false, insecure assumptions about myself, my life and my future.

We began dating after my divorce was final.  I was not looking for a serious relationship and neither was he...but it became very obvious after our third or fourth date, that things were taking a surprisingly serious turn.

He told me I was beautiful on our first date….beautiful in that I have a fun personality, am smart and witty and brightened his day.  I was stunned.  I did not think of myself in those terms at all.

We attended church together, and sermon after sermon had a message that validated me.  But I still refused to believe the truths about myself.  

My pastor gave a particularly strong message on healing from hurts and moving on from them.  

I will never forget his words:  “Are you going to remember the hurt or the Healer?”  But I was too afraid to come out of my cocoon of safe, but wrong, assumptions about myself.  I chose to dwell on the hurts and not God’s healing, but at the same time began to pray for healing for my damaged emotions and damaged self-image.

My awakening to my own value came in a watershed moment after reading a book about the homosexual coming-out crisis and how it affects the straight spouse.  

Some things in the book I did not agree with, but it had a powerful, stunning message just the same….the message that it was not all my fault that our marriage ended, and that it was not my fault that I couldn’t make my husband happy.

I was amazed to finally realize the truth that the special man in my life had been telling me for weeks...that neither or I any woman could have made my ex-husband happy.  I could not compete with another man...and that fact made me no less a woman.

The realization left me breathless, a bit angry with myself for lying to myself for so long and excited about the future all at once. My breath came in quick gasps, and my heart just pounded.

Once I realized I could shake free of the past, I felt like a newborn doe...shaky on my feet, but curious about this new-found freedom outside my womb of denial

I went from wondering “Why in the world any man would love me?” to realizing “Why wouldn’t a man love me?”

I began to realize my new friend was right in reminding me “Pain is inevitable.  Suffering is optional.”  He told me that once after he had asked me how I had managed to cope with moving on past cancer.

I explained to him that I had, at one time, plagued myself with wondering how I had gotten cancer.  Was it in the food I ate?  The water I drank?  The old farm land I grew up on?  Would it come back?  If? When?  How?  

Two years afterward my diagnosis I decided I did not beat cancer to only live with one foot in the grave of fear.  So I quit asking myself those questions and bogging myself down with “what ifs.” I chose to live a life not plagued by fear.

This new man in my life quietly listened and said, “Then you have to do the same with the break up of your marriage, your husband’s wrong doings and the divorce.”

But the habit of self-blame was hard to shake off as my divorce from my gay ex-husband had just finalized in late May of this year.  The divorce proceedings had dragged on over the course of two years as I had some medical emergencies that required I stay on my ex-husband’s health insurance. The amount of energy, wisdom and judgement that  it took to resolve everything was overwhelming

But after I read the book I came to realize other truths about myself.

I thought I was courageous to move out before I had full-time employment.  I thought I was courageous networking, looking for work and finding a full-time job with benefits after years of being a stay-at-home mom working only in part-time seasonal jobs.

I thought I was courageous for managing the bills, car repairs, cable tv and computer problems...things I had entrusted to my ex-husband for over 20 years.

I thought I was courageous for getting the necessary psychiatric help, counseling and medication for my depression.  I thought I was courageous for willingly asking our school system for financial assistance for my children’s school books and fees.  

I thought I was courageous for reaching out to social service agencies and my church to pay bills.  I thought I was courageous for applying for financial assistance from hospitals and health foundations and pharmaceutical companies for help in claiming financial hardship to pay medical bills and receive free medication.

Now I know those were not brave actions...they were the wise actions of a good, strong woman providing for herself and her children.

The true courageous action was deciding today that I would no longer wallow in self-pity and negative self-thinking...that I would believe in my God-given self-worth.

So here is to the first day of the rest of my life...to grabbing the brass ring of happiness.  And in so doing I have realized that I have the enviable opportunity to re-write the next chapters of my life...of course, the chapters are not going where I expected them...but that is the joy in this new journey.

It is pointless to think any more about the falsehoods I had believed about myself for so long...it is time to begin a new life...to stop focusing on the hurts and focus on God’s healing.  It is simply self-defeating to spend my time and energy on a what I thought was a storybook marriage that is now over.  It is time to grab the brass ring.

As modern American writer Joseph Campbell once wrote, “We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”  

I am eagerly looking forward to what is ahead and God's new plans for my life...at last!

Some photos from our trip to Cedar Campus in July.